What is parental alienation, how to prove it and what to do if your child doesn’t want to see you

What should I do if my child suddenly doesn’t want to see me? This is a question that all parents hope they never have to ask. Yet if you find yourself in this situation, it’s important to know what to do next. 

Here, specialist children and family law solicitor Kirsten Tomlinson outlines exactly what parental alienation is and how it’s proved in law.

If you need expert legal advice, talk to us by giving us a call on 0333 004 4488, sending us an email at hello@brabners.com or completing our contact form below.

Jump to:

• Step by step guide — what to do if your child doesn’t want to see you
• New guidance — Family Justice Council
• What is parental alienation and alienating behaviour?
• How to prove parental alienation
• What is appropriate justified rejection?
• What is alignment, affinity and attachment?
• How to know if parental alienation is affecting your child
• Genuine reasons why a child may not want to spend time with a parent
• What are protective behaviours?
• Links between domestic abuse cases and alienating behaviours
• Specialist family law solicitors for children issues

Step by step guide — what to do if your child doesn’t want to see you

1. Confirm whether something you’ve said or done could have led to the issue

If your child suddenly becomes resistant to having contact with you, it may be important to first look inwardly to discern whether your own behaviours may be causing your child to want to spend less time with you. Don’t automatically jump to the conclusion that the other parent is manipulating your child to turn them against you. This can be a very difficult exercise to undertake — especially if there have been issues that involve (for example) alcohol, control and/or verbal or physical abuse. 

If you do think that your own behaviours and actions have caused the situation, it’s best to seek help, build bridges and gain trust — not only from your child but also the other parent. Try and work together to improve both the co-parenting relationship and relationship with your child.

2. Try to see things through the eyes of your child

If you haven’t identified any of your own behaviours or actions that may have led to this, it’s worth taking a step back to see this through the eyes of your child. 

Have they always had a stronger bond with the other parent? Sometimes children have a stronger natural affinity with one parent — and that’s no-one’s fault. It’s important to respect your child’s wishes and feelings rather than force a shared care arrangement if you know that deep down your child will become upset and potentially resent being forced into an arrangement that they’re unhappy with. A child can still have a meaningful and secure relationship with a parent that they spend less than half their time with — so long as it’s quality time and an enjoyable experience. 

A child has no control over their parent’s decision to split and children of a certain age need to have their wishes and feelings heard. This is especially the case if your child has a healthy relationship with both parents — and ‘healthy’ doesn’t necessarily mean an equal amount of time — and they witness a good co-parenting relationship where the children are put first (as opposed to the parents’ own egos). The goal here is that when the children become teenagers and young adults, they’ll happily choose to spend time with both parents whenever they wish and the long term relationship is preserved.

3. Seek legal advice from a specialist family solicitor

If none of the above applies and there’s clear evidence that the other parent is psychologically manipulating your child into being reluctant or refusing to spend time with you, it’s critical to seek legal advice from a specialist family solicitor to discuss your options. 

If the matter can’t be resolved amicably or via non-court dispute resolution (NCDR) methods such as mediation or arbitration, you may need to consider making an application to the Family Court to seek a Child Arrangement Order. This will specify who a child (or children) shall live with and spend time with and in what frequency. It can also set out the arrangements for special occasions such as birthdays and holidays, as well as any handover arrangements. 

If you already have a Child Arrangements Order in place and the arrangements aren’t being complied with — and you suspect (and have evidence of) alienating behaviours — you may need to consider making an application to the Family Court to enforce or vary the Child Arrangements Order. 

New guidance — Family Justice Council

The Family Justice Council has released new guidance on responding to a child’s unexplained reluctance, resistance or refusal to spend time with a parent and allegations of alienating behaviour. 

This comes in response to the complex issues around parental alienation and alienating behaviours, which are becoming ever more prevalent in the Family Court for Judges and Magistrates to deal with.

According to Sir Andrew McFarlane — president of the Family Division in England and Wales — the aim of the guidance is to “ensure greater consistency of approach across the courts and to improve outcomes for children and families and to protect children and victims from litigation abuse”.

What is parental alienation and alienating behaviour?

Parental alienation is a term used to classify a set of behaviours used by a parent towards their child that harms the child’s relationship with the other parent, resulting in the child being resistant towards or refusing to see or spend time with the other parent.

It isn’t a syndrome or something that can be diagnosed. The Guidance refers to a strong assertion that the Family Justice Council now recognises that ‘parental alienation syndrome’ is actually a “harmful pseudo-science”. 

Alienating behaviours have now been defined in the Guidance as “psychologically manipulative behaviours, intended or otherwise, by a parent towards a child which have resulted in the child’s reluctance, resistance or refusal to spend time with the other parent”. 

The Guidance still accepts that where alienating behaviours are found to exist, this causes “significant and enduring” harm to a child as it can affect their “emotional, social and psychological development”. It can also impact on a child’s “identity, self-worth and sense of safety”.   

However, the Guidance now highlights the point that a child’s reluctance, resistance or refusal to spend time with a parent may not necessarily be as a result of “parental alienation”.

How to prove parental alienation

To conclude that alienating behaviours exist, the court will need to be persuaded that the following three factors exist:

1. The child is reluctant, resisting or refusing to engage in a relationship with a parent or carer.
2. That reluctance, resistance or refusal isn’t stemming from the actions of that parent towards the child or the other parent — which may therefore result in an appropriate and justified rejection by the child — and isn’t caused by any other factor, such as the child’s alignment, affinity or attachment. 
3. The other parent has engaged in behaviours that have directly or indirectly impacted on the child, leading to the child’s reluctance, resistance or refusal to engage in a relationship with that parent. 

What is appropriate justified rejection?

‘Appropriate justified rejection’ refers to a situation where a child’s rejection of a parent is an understandable response to that parent’s behaviour towards the child and/or the other parent.

What is alignment, affinity and attachment?

‘Alignment, affinity and attachment’ are common reasons why a child may favour one parent over the other or reject one parent. These which are typical emotional responses to parenting experiences and not the result of psychological manipulation by a parent.

How to know if parental alienation is affecting your child

Parental alienation isn’t always immediately obvious and can take many different forms. The Guidance and research now state that alienating behaviours that impact negatively on a child’s relationship with the other parent are rare.  

The following examples of behaviour may indicate that parental alienation is taking place:

• Your child begins to refuse to have contact with you for no apparent reason, despite enjoying spending time with you when you do have contact.
• Your child seems to suddenly and without reason idealise the other parent and seems unjustifiably reluctant to spend time with you.
• Your child becomes fearful of you suddenly and/or refuses to have contact with you in an extreme way for no clear reason.

Typically, the parent causing the alienation will support the child’s wish to cease contact with the alienated parent and will not view the decline of the parental relationship as a ‘loss’ to the child. 

Genuine reasons why a child may not want to spend time with a parent

It should be noted that the Family Court has an obligation to consider the wishes and feelings of any children involved in proceedings. The weight placed on the child’s wishes will be dependent on their age and level of maturity. 

Since the Guidance has been introduced, it’s now accepted and acknowledged that children may have genuine reasons for not wishing to spend time with a parent. This should be considered before jumping to conclusions. Other reasons must also be explored, such as domestic abuse, child abuse, protective behaviours and trauma responses. 

The Guidance accepts that a lot of children can and do come to their own conclusions about what has happened within their family, the reasons for their parents’ separation and how both parents have acted towards them and to each other. Children may wish to make their own choices as to how they live their lives, who they want to live with and how much time they spend with the other parent. 

A child’s responses, who they want to live with and how much time they want to spend with the other parent could be entirely legitimate and may lead to an appropriate justified rejection of one parent over the other solely due to what they’ve experienced and witnessed from harmful parenting.

What are protective behaviours?

‘Protective behaviours’ are exhibited by a parent towards a child to protect them from exposure to abuse by the other parent or suffering harm (or greater harm) as a consequence of the other parent’s abuse. This could mean limiting contact, putting conditions in place (such as supervised contact) or moving away from the area where the perpetrator lives. 

Links between domestic abuse cases and alienating behaviours

The Guidance recognises that within applications that deal with childcare arrangements, one parent often raises counter allegations of ‘parental alienation’ in response to the other parent’s initial allegations of domestic abuse. 

It has been suggested that a parent who alleges parent alienation could be doing so to further control and abuse the other parent in an attempt to persuade the court that there has been no domestic abuse. This may be done to silence a survivor of domestic abuse who might be fearful of the worst-case scenario where their child could be taken away from them to live with the other parent.

However, the Guidance now suggests that due to the increase in domestic abuse in private law children cases, allegations of domestic abuse and parental alienation can’t be considered equal. Domestic abuse is now a criminal offence. As a result of the harm that stems from the impact of domestic abuse and the court’s overriding objective to protect children and act in their best interests, the Guidance states that “alienating behaviours will not be found in cases where findings of domestic abuse are made which have resulted in a child’s appropriate justified rejection or in protective behaviours or a traumatic response to the part of the victim parent”. 

The Guidance also states that if one parent has made false allegations of domestic abuse, this won’t constitute evidence of alienating behaviours unless there’s evidence that the child “has been manipulated into an unjustified reluctance, resistance or refusal to engage with the allegedly abusive parent”. 

Specialist family law solicitors for children issues

If you believe that parental alienation is happening with your child, talk to us.

Our award-winning, accredited specialists can be by your side to support you through the dispute resolution process and reach the right result for you and your children.

Talk to us by giving us a call on 0333 004 4488, sending us an email at hello@brabners.com or completing our contact form below.