12 essential self-care tips during separation or divorce

5 September 2024

13 min read

Family, Children & Relationships, Brabners Personal

Nobody who gets married ever expects it to end in separation or divorce. This is especially so when you’re a lawyer who deals with other people’s relationship, financial and children issues day-in, day-out.

Here, family lawyer Kirsten Tomlinson bravely reflects on her own experience of divorce and explains the essential self-care tips that she picked up along the way.

We hope that this helps anyone going through a similar situation to avoid the common pitfalls — such as burnout and low mental health — and prioritise their own healing and wellbeing.

As we’re told by attendants at the start of every flight — strap on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. You won’t be able to help your family, clients and others who depend on you without first looking after yourself…

A short background

My mother used to tell me that ‘time is a healer’. Nearly three years on from my divorce in 2021, I’ve recently taken time to properly reflect on this roller coaster of an experience.

I remember having a lot of ‘I’m fine’ moments — convincing myself that I really was okay. I felt that I had no time to fall apart while navigating my way through what can be a traumatic life event. I simply had to ‘get on with it’. If I didn’t, who else would care for my two daughters (aged two and five at the time) and my elderly parents and their raft of continuous ailments? Who would run my home? Who would look after my clients and caseload?

The mental load often felt crippling. I spent a large portion of my time during the early stages of the separation filling every minute of every day. This was classic avoidance, of course — so that I didn’t have to address how I was really feeling about what was going on. I was in survival mode, but I also felt the pressure of proving to everyone around me that I was ‘fine’ and that I could do this.

I think we all know where this is heading…

The first few weekends that the girls spent away from me with their father were heartbreaking. I had never been apart from them for so long before. I would spend my weekends in tears at my parent’s house, as we were ‘bird nesting’ for the first six months or so following the separation. For those who don’t know, bird nesting is where the children stay in the family home and whoever has care of them at the time stays there with them. The other parent stays elsewhere until the housing situation can be properly resolved. It’s a short-term solution — and it worked for us.

However, I came to realise that spending my weekends away in tears wasn’t helping anyone. So I started to fill my time. Yet I did this with no awareness of the importance of resting and recovering from the demands of everyday life as a single working parent.

By April 2023, I burned out. By August 2023, I was having intense therapy. This wasn’t just about the separation — although that was the catalyst for me seeking help. It was also to help me deal with a lifetime of traumatic events. I shut myself off from the world for three whole days to process what was being discussed in therapy. This was the ‘lightbulb’ moment for me. It changed everything.

I could write a book about my experiences over the past three years in terms of coparenting, dealing with the divorce and finances, dating and new relationships, the highs, the lows and so on. I found that I became a more empathic lawyer — and my clients appear to benefit from me being better able to relate to what they’re going through when I share the odd moment from my own experiences (while being careful not to reopen old wounds or make it all about me). I also share the odd tip with them when I hear a familiar gripe.

That’s what made me want to write this article. If I had a penny for every time someone asked me ‘how did you do it?’ — I’d be writing this in a more exotic location and warmer climate than Manchester.

So, how did I do it?

While I’m not saying that I’m now entirely struggle-free — that wouldn’t be real life — I’m definitely in a much better place than I was. I feel like the things I learned along the way might be of use to you, if you’re going through something similar while reading this.

Please bear in mind that these tips are personal to me. They’ve worked for my own circumstances, where I work four days a week and have two children at primary school.

Everyone’s different — and you might find that other things work much better for you. However, even if you’re not separated or divorced right now, there may be a few self-care nuggets here that could help you to live a better, calmer life.

1. Adopt a good sleep routine

I have a nightly ritual of taking a hot bath and rubbing magnesium oil on my legs and feet before bed, which seems to have helped. People who know me know that I’m asleep by 10pm each night. With studies showing that sleep leads to better mental health and helps to reduce stress, anxiety and depression, this seems like a good move.

2. Increase water intake

A recent study found that eight in ten Americans said their lives — including “relationships, health and mood” — improved with hydration. I find that the water bottles with times etched on the side help me remember to keep drinking water throughout the day.

3. Eat well

Food delivery companies like Gusto and Hello Fresh are an easy way to make sure that I eat a decent dinner — no matter how little time I have in the evenings. This takes all the thinking out of meal planning — and their dinners for two (the minimum amount you can order) are good for two meals in the week when you’re on your own. Having my weekly shop delivered to me has also been a godsend.

4. Move

While I can’t get to my usual number of bootcamp classes due to childcare, I make sure that I go on my non-working day and when the girls are with their father. On the odd occasion, I’ve been able to take the girls with me on a Saturday, as they get to play with other children who are there while the parents work out. I also make sure to squeeze in a quick walk around the block during a lunch break to get some fresh air and this has made me much more productive in the afternoons. I know that some people can get up at five or six in the morning for a home workout or even have a personal trainer swing by — but this isn’t for me.

5. Enjoy your spare time

Don’t feel guilty about enjoying your freedom and spare time — especially if you have children and they’re with the other parent. Remember — their time with the other parent is valuable and good for them. Make use of your own time and resurrect hobbies and interests that you may have had to park while you were a full-time spouse, parent, employee and/or carer.

When they’re with me, my children are my sole focus. When they’re not, I use the time to catch up with friends and family, go for walks and escape to the countryside, attend music festivals and gigs, go horse-riding, attend bootcamp and sign up for events like Hyrox.

You may think ‘I don’t have time for this’ — well, make time. There are 24 hours in the day, so be organised and plan ahead where you can. Also, if you can afford to pay £30-40 every two weeks for a gardener and/or cleaner (like I do), do it. This can free up so much more ‘you’ time.

6. Rest and mindfulness

The biggest turning point for me when I was filling all my time and felt like I was burning out was learning when to take time out to stop, do nothing — as scary as that may sound — and empty my mind of the mental load.

I started to book more one-off yoga and meditation classes and started escaping to the countryside on my ‘weekends off’ to go to breathwork and cold lake water sessions, which I found to be really restorative.

I also booked myself in for the odd ‘stressbuster’ treatment at my local beauty salon. The full head, neck, shoulder, back massage and facial treatment — while listening to soothing music and being wrapped up in a warm cocoon (duvet) — can work wonders. These examples take an hour or two max out of your day, so it’s very possible if you plan accordingly.

I also stopped filling my diary with constant activities, telling myself that it was okay to simply have a few hours of ‘doing nothing’ or watching back-to-back episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and not feeling guilty about it…

7. Talk

A problem shared is truly a problem halved. I’m lucky to have wonderful family members, friends and colleagues who I feel comfortable talking to. It’s amazing how people open up to you in return once you’ve opened up yourself. This really helps to make you feel less alone. No one’s life is perfect — we all face challenges that most people never hear about. When I sought help from a professional counsellor — as difficult and intense as this was to start with — I soon began to feel the benefits from attending regular sessions. My sessions cost £60 an hour. Alongside choosing how to spend your time wisely, also consider how to spend your disposable income wisely.

8. Accept help

Like I did at first, you might feel like you can’t ask for help from friends and family when you need it — such as something cropping up at work that means you’ll be late to collect the children.

Fortunately, I have flexible and understanding employers, which helps enormously in keeping your cortisol levels down in times like these. Yet not everyone has this same ability. This is where reaching out to family, friends or even other parents at school is a blessing. They become your angels in times of need. People are often more than happy to help if you need your child dropping off at school or picking up and feeding until you can get to them when a crisis arises. There will always another time when you can repay the favour — so there’s no need to feel guilty.

9. Failing to prepare is preparing to fail

One of my key skills in life is organisation and advanced preparation. This is what helps me the most to function with lower stress levels when I feel like I have most things under control on a day-to-day basis. I’ll admit it — I’m super traditional when it comes to having a paper diary in which I record all my personal engagements and work events. I also use my work email calendar to set reminders for when I need to collect the girls from school at specific times and when I’ll be in the office by. This helps to provide transparency to my team for when I’m available for meetings and calls.

I also have a whiteboard in my kitchen with a weekly planner on it. Every Sunday, I write up the week’s activities as a reminder. Anyone with children at primary school will be familiar with the constant juggling of communication via several WhatsApp groups, emails and school apps. It’s a full-time job — one that I tend to do every weekend, with a cup of tea and my trusty diary.

10. Communicate

It’s important to communicate clearly and directly with your ex-spouse and try your best to avoid inflammatory or hostile messages and discussions. Yet we’re only human and can react quickly when provoked in a way that we may later regret because it only makes a situation worse. If this happens, try holding your hands up and being honest. Let them know why you made those comments or reacted in a certain way. Tell them how you’re feeling. It’s okay to say ‘I’m sorry’.

Speaking in a professional capacity, many of the issues we see between separating couples is down to complete miscommunication or a lack of communication altogether. Each party needs to understand the reasons why the other has acted or reacted in a certain way. The reason why there can be a lot of hostility and conflict at the start of a separation is due to the range of emotions you can experience. Fear is probably the biggest — fear of being unable to see your children every day, where you may end up living, being able to afford to live. There’s also the feeling of grief and even anger, depending on how and why the relationship or marriage broke down.

11. Take early legal advice

Seeking legal advice early on can help to pacify some of these fears from a legal point of view. Your lawyers can explain what financial settlements and childcare arrangements are available and how they can be reached. Mediation is also a good way to help with communication issues and trying to reach an amicable agreement when it comes to both children and finances, as a neutral third party will help you. Getting support from a counsellor or coach to help with your emotions and cope with someone’s behaviour can also be extremely beneficial. Also consider talking to a financial adviser when it comes to dealing with financial settlements.

12. Take your time

Ultimately, remember to take your time. Going through a separation or divorce won’t always be easy. You may know someone who makes it all look easy — but even if they seem blissfully happy on the outside, more often than not they’ll be struggling behind closed doors.

The grief cycle is real — and people can reach the different stages of anger, grief and acceptance at different times. The key is to avoid acting impulsively during the first two stages. It’s a lot easier to communicate and be amicable when both parties are in the ‘acceptance’ stage.

Try not to rush new relationships as well. This can just be a mask to try and convince yourself and everyone around you that you’ve moved on and you’re fine. Even those who instigated the separation still grieve and question themselves about why the relationship or marriage broke down. Focus on ‘you’ first — get to a place where you feel content and stable before setting off on another relationship journey. If you find that you’re jumping about from one failed date or short relationship to another, it may be because you’re simply just not ready. Take your time.